This morning I woke up in a funk. I wanted to wallow in my own grief and disappointment over all the ways my life wasn't exactly the way I wanted it to be. It was a feeling that had been building up for a couple days. The muddy mess outside the airstream. The complete construction chaos. The fact my new range oven and sink are still not installed. Feelings of being an inadequate mother. The list goes on and on. A downward spiral that leads nowhere good.
And that's where I woke up this morning. On Christmas eve. A day that should be filled with cheer and family and connection. Laying in bed marinating in my own darkness I made the decision to do thing that I knew would shift my mood...even if only for 75 minutes. I took myself to a yoga class. Felt my body. Breathed deeply. Felt my grief. I came home feeling the light coming in the cracks. My trust and faith being restored...even if only minutely. The small shift made a big difference.
My experience this morning had me thinking about something Brene Brown wrote a couple years ago on Christmas. She wrote:
"As I think about my own life and reflect upon what many of the people around me are going through this Christmas, it’s clear that struggle doesn’t take off for the holidays. The gremlins don’t go on vacation. Checks bounce, chemotherapy appointments are scheduled, relationships keep unravelling, being alone feels even lonelier, and the “never enoughs” are in full swing.
As I prepare to spend the next few days with my family and friends, I’ve decided to find my holiday magic in the mess; to practice love and gratitude with the special group of folks who keep showing up and loving me, not despite my vulnerabilities, but because of them."
I absolutely love this. THE MAGIC IS IN THE MESS. My chest softens and my breath deepens when I am reminded of this. I am focusing my attention on the now. My son singing a broken version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer by the tree. My brother meticulously making Christmas dinner. The dogs running around like crazy. Trying to soak up the magic in the mess.
The holiday season can a time that is charged in so many ways. Beauty, sadness, aloneness, joy...everything. Everything gets heightened. And we are not alone in our humanness. We are all in this together.
Wishing you a blessed mess and a happy 2017!!!!